gravitysvector

On Environmentalism

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:40:45 GMT

I read an article the other day about how scientists believe now that the world is getting warmer faster than any model they made. As it turns out- we are getting fucked much faster than expected. Even without that though, we are still using up resources at such a breakneck speed that we can't really expect civilization to go the way it's been going for much longer. Water, oil, salt accumulating in soil. We only have SO much and everyone goes around acting like it's going to be there forever. Even the electricity I am using to power this computer is an extravagant use of resources.

I still don't know how to cope with this. I don't feel that the 'nice' solutons offered like using more wind and solar power are enough. They are at best a start, but my intuition tells me that we can't save the planet and preserve the fantasy that everyone can be ok in society. The only solutions I feel are reasonable involve the killing of massive numbers of people and imposing draconian laws on the survivors to ensure that the human race does not resort to barbarism. We need to be reasonable about this, and reasonable means coming up with a comprehensive realistic plan to ensure human survival without nuclear war. Meanwhile the only thing I want for myself personally is to secure, get laid and maybe fall in love if I find someone cool enough who wants to deal with my shit. I'm all for turning my life around and doing what's hard, if it's what's right, but right now, I don't know what that means.

Should I start advocating the stockpiling of nuclear weapons and aggressive policies that steal resources from other ethnic groups? Should I start advocating eugenics? I work with autistic children, I have developmental issues myself. If I admit that we can't support everyone, I have to be honest in my assessment that many of the people I love and myself and the people I care for are just too burdensome to support. These are not the sort of policies I grew up supporting nor really support now.

It's no wonder I spent nearly a year in homeless shelters and mental institutions. The burden of this weighs on me like nothing else in the world. I hope to hell that I'm wrong. I don't want the world to go through this pain- but change is inevitable and us humans have only gotten this far by consuming everything else on the planet. A few more generations of this nonsense is all I see happening before environmental collapse and human need collide and produce the worst sorts of catastrophes that will endanger the survival of us all.

I don't mind if I die and leave no children behind. But I do want humanity to live on.

On the plus side I'm spending the weekend with a beautiful physicist.

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:12:08 GMT

I decided to kill myself today.

Instead I just masturbated.

o well.

emotional opinions. Dont' you love them?

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 14:11:12 GMT

Nothing makes me madder than male feminist literature. I read some today and I felt like beating up a girl just because. that and dumb men talking about cars. Or girls complaining about their boyfriends. Or people in newspapers airing their opinions about things that they have no control over.

Actually anything, less than humble and honest deeply thought out intellectual opinion backed up by good science or personal experience kind of pisses me off. I'm an elitist like that.

Nothing makes me happier than to have D curled up at my side as I play her video games. Her whole body is sore from the treatment I gave her last night. She wants to do just about anything to keep me happy. needs the feeling that I'm getting something from her.

Nothing makes me happier than having Sunshine at my side and telling her that she has to wait for me. I don't think she's ever waited for anything in her life, but she has to wait for me....

Nothing makes me happier than M standing patiently in line at my workplace.

Nothing makes me happier than remembering removing Alethia's glasses and looking into that lovely face of hers. or remembering the way Katie's voice sounded over the phone.

Nothing makes me happier than dancing, and music, and the feeling power over a pretty girl, the thrill of an orgasm or the laughter of friends or a good video game.    All my pleasant illusory pleasures: god how I love them.

If it's not true at least make it visceral

Fri, 30 May 2008 14:49:39 GMT

The other day I just downloaded SO much porn and put it on my computer. I really love that stuff. It's great.

Today and tomorrow I'm supposed to be packing up to get out of my house. It should be fun.....

Stuff

Fri, 23 May 2008 17:09:20 GMT

So,

The problem with LJ as I see is that posting stuff about your personal life on a computer is just harmful to your social life if anyone you actually know finds it.   So this stuff here is DEFINITELY not to be found by anyone who has ANY sort of control over me.    That means I'm hiding this journal from my friends, from my girlfriends and my family.

I think alot of people already know that here. I think it's pretty obvious and nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but I need to say it anyway.

Anyway, the life: it's pretty good for the most part. I spend too much time in my room I think which makes me feel depressed. The more time I spend in my room doing nothing engaging with other people and listening to music, the more weird I feel about life....

At least I'm getting laid now.   Being with D is just incredible. She's up for the kind of really rough violent stuff that I like. i'll pick her up and throw her against the wall or make her choke on my cock and hit her breasts really hard and then tell her to bend over and just take her HARD. I like to tell her she's a s*** and a bitch and describe all the shit i'm going to do to her. It's a big compliment really that she lets me do the latter because she doesn't let anyone call her a s*** in real life. She's been called that many times and she DOES not want to be called that. Being anything other than vanilla can get you MURDERED socially. In addition, she's sweet enough that when I need taking care of emotionally, she's willing to give it.    She and I are totally cool with each other as far as all the polyamory stuff is concerned too.    I really like that alot.   Wednesday night I was too sick to do anything so we just watched Stardust together, which is a really sweet fantasy film.

Tonight I go up and see C and hang with her friends.   They really like me alot and it should be fun and maybe I'll drag C out to ravish her in the middle of the dance out on the traintracks or the a field or something. I doubt she's ever done anything really fun like that before and I think this would be the perfect chance.

When I go off to school in Long Island I'm really going to miss her. I'm sort of afraid of that place really going to be uptight and not understanding of me, but then again, they might have enough diversity there that I could be ok. The freaks and geeks should be findable....

I feel like I'm fucking 18 just starting to figure out who I am. Why has it taken me so long?    Probably because I'm really shy about things and people have discouraged rather than encouraged me to do the things I know I need to do.

from wikipedia

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:29:17 GMT

Group dynamics

A group is two or more people that interact, influence each other, and share a common identity. Groups have a number of emergent qualities that distinguish them from aggregates:

Norms - implicit rules and expectations for group members to follow, e.g. saying thank you, shaking hands.
Roles - implicit rules and expectations for specific members within the group, e.g. the oldest sibling, who may have additional responsibilities in the family.
Relations - patterns of liking within the group, and also differences in prestige or status, e.g. leaders, popular people.

Temporary groups and aggregates share few or none of these features, and do not qualify as true social groups. People waiting in line to get on a bus, for example, do not constitute a group.

Groups are important not only because they offer social support, resources, and a feeling of belonging, but because they supplement an individual's self-concept. To a large extent, we define ourselves by our group memberships. This natural tendency for people to identify themselves with a particular group and contrast themselves with other groups is known as social identity (Tajfel & Turner, 1986). Unfortunately, social identity can lead to feelings of "us and them." It is frequently associated with preferential treatment toward the ingroup, and prejudice and discrimination against outgroups.

Groups often moderate and improve decision making, and are frequently relied upon for these benefits, such as committees and juries. A number of group biases, however, can interfere with effective decision making. For example, group polarization, formerly known as the risky shift, occurs when people polarize their views in a more extreme direction after group discussion. Even worse is the phenomenon of groupthink. This is a collective thinking defect that is characterized by a premature consensus. Groupthink is caused by a variety of factors, including isolation and a highly directive leader. Janis (1972) offered the 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion as a historical case of groupthink.

Groups also affect performance and productivity. Social facilitation, for example, is a tendency to work harder and faster in the presence of others. Social facilitation increases the likelihood of the dominant response, which tends to improve performance on simple tasks and reduce it on complex tasks. In contrast, social loafing is the tendency of individuals to slack when working in a group. Social loafing is common when the task is considered unimportant and individual contributions are not easy to see.

Social psychologists study a variety of group related, or collective phenomena such as the behavior of crowds. An important concept in this area is deindividuation, a reduced state of self-awareness that can be caused by feelings of anonymity. Deindividuation is associated with uninhibited and sometimes dangerous behavior. It is common.

What I'm afraid of.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 13:07:56 GMT

I need to be me before I can pick up girls- partly because picking up girls involves acting.
And if you aren't who you really are- the act can become your identity. Ask Style.

So who am I?

I'm afraid. That's who I am.

I'm authentically afraid and in a bit of pain although I'm learning to cope with that emotional pain.

I'm also add as hell and distractable, I'm drawn to thinking too much and talking about intellectual subjects too much. I want male friends, I want to be a part of the pick-up community, but I'm afraid they'll reject me. I'm afraid being myself is always going to imply being somewhat beta. I'm afraid of my own sexuality. I'm afraid of being found out. I'm afraid of hurting people. I'm afraid the world will punish me for not caring about it. I'm afraid that the girl I love will never love me again. I'm afraid that if anyone finds out I want to be a pick-up artist, then I'm going to be called out and no one will want me anymore. I'm afraid I'll be ridiculed. I'm afraid that the reputation I once had of being smart and kind and good will be replaced with one of scorn.

I'm afraid of alot of things- to be quite truthful, some of these thing might happen.

But I'm more afraid of not engaging the world. I'm more afraid of not being true to myself and the consequences of inaction.
So, I'm going to do all those things that I'm afraid of. Even if it means getting hurt.

it's a better kind pain- the pain of self-actualization.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 12:59:34 GMT

What do I want?

it's a good question. Reality is going to conform to whatever my thoughts tell it to, so I better choose well.

1. I want to be happy for the rest of my life (within reason, a little pain isn't bad).
2. I want to be as physically safe as can reasonably be expected of someone living in this age (no motorcycles/cigarettes for me thank you)
3. I want to be damn good at finding a girlfriend and getting laid; I want to be able to carry on multiple relationships at once and I want to be able to have deep, honest wonderful relationships with girls.
4. I want to positively impact the world and everyone who touches my life
5. I want some material things, but not too many that I get too entangled with things that are not mine.
6. I want to not be a pornography/ internet chess addict
7. I want to eventually have children. (jesus I can't believe I'm writing that)
8. I want to be intrapersonally strong. something I haven't been in the past.

9. I want to inspire the person who will truly change the world. ( why do I have such hubris?)
10. I want to be loved.
11. I want to explore.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 05:45:16 GMT

I had an interesting day. I talked to some random people on the street, went to the library and emailed myself the first few sections of the material on Bristol Lair. That stuff is awesome. I worked 8 hours and then I walked to the end of the dance.

There, i made an approach (I didn't close or anything) and then went to the bar with two of my female friends. While I was there I went up and talked (and danced) with two young women and a guy I know from the grange. I'm frustrated with myself, that I seem to attract women, but once they are attracted I don't make a move. i don't like that. I don't like what it says about me. I need to actively pursue, as in, once I see a women I approach, once I appraoch I talk to her, once I talk to her I make her attracted to me, once she is attracted to me I indicate my interest, once I indicate my interest get her number or do a venue change or just kiss her or whatever the hell I'm going to do.

It's important.

incidentally enough, my friends criticized me for making the approach in the bar she said, " how typical of you to go after some mousy, boring unattractive girl, you need to go after."

incidentally enough I tend to value women who are introverts, women who value their intelligence and indicate it with their fashion and women who are unorthodoxly beautiful. She was jealous, and it's good to realize that I have 'friends' who will hold me back if they can. there are girls I know who are solely attached to me because they think that somehow, someway they are going to become my girlfriend by manipulating my feelings. In the past, I've been emotionally weak and because I needed support, I let that energy into my life . It doesn't need to happen now though. I don't care what they think of me.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 05:44:01 GMT

ok
i's official
i need to laugh more.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 04:28:12 GMT

last night I had to stay up all night and work 10 hours. I then decided I wanted to go to Amherst to talk to random strangers.

I got upset because I missed the bus and I couldn't find anyone to hitch with. So, I went to the community college and talked to random strangers there as well as some of my friends.

The pain was quite acceptable, although I would like to experience less of it in the future.

update

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 15:07:38 GMT

I want to thank you guys for all the good advice I've gotten already.

Ok, so yesterday, I went down to Mt. Holyoke and went around asking girls stupid questions about where this or that dorm is. I've dated a few mt. holyoke girls so I know full well where those dorms are, but going up and getting a girl's attention is the first step.   You can't meet a girl if you can't go up and ask her something.   I need to get over the whole 'approach' thing.

My goal was 12 girls, which was RIDICULOUSLY simple.   I'm going to go up to smith today and do the same thing.

I also visited my friend Steph who is hopelessly into me and had an intellectual discussion about stuff.   She gave me a copy of the book Illusions by Richard Bach which is a great book. I recommend it highly for people who like me, who believe that human influence is so vast that the limits of it are hard to predict.

The other night I also went dancing. A girl, who I'll call pink skirt, was trying to get my attention the whole night, which I didn't let her do until the second to last dance. I think I may be making her work too hard actually, because at the diner afterwards she clearly had indicated she wanted to talk to me, but I waited until the VERY end of the night to do so when she told me that we should hang out. she facebooked me.
she had a link to some of her artwork so I messaged her that I liked her artwork.

Saw this vid of a guy named Cajun doing his thing on a show called "in the vip room." It was awesome. To see how efficiently he communicated with girls that he was the kind of guy that they wanted was truly an inspiration. It also clued me in to how important voice tone, body language and emotional state are when you pick up a girl.   They all have to be in sync.   Words are just icing on the cake. The guys commenting on his performance said that his greatest asset was that he was listening to the girls, and they are right. It's literally what you say, it's what you are telling them with your body language, actions, voice tone, underlying messages under the words.

I messaged Susanne earlier today, she called me up earlier and missed me at the bus stop. When I go up to Smith, I might go and hang out with her if she can meet me up there. I never slept with her after we started dating because she was never willing to get a herpes test, which quite frankly, kind of creeped me out.   She's very beautiful, a great tango dancer and really terrifically smart though.   She's the only person I've ever met whose plan to go up to Europe and become an opera singer sounds reasonable.
Not sure whether I should be rating them on a 1-10 scale. My criteria for judging women's attractiveness seems to be different than other men's. It seems counterproductive to me, to rate hot girls highly on your scale of worthiness if what your goal is, is to communicate that you have a higher value to them. It seems much more efficient to just go after girls you consider hot enough to date and see if they can convince you of how worthy they are of your attention.    That way, you don't have to lie at all.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 23:10:17 GMT

I've spent the last few days spending time hitting on girls in myspace.

it's gotta have some worth in it I figure. I understand the problem with doing too many things online, but I think at this point I need to start off small. It was so anxiety producing just to start saying to women on the internet "you're beautiful" that I think getting over that was useful.

I hate being in a small town with no car. It sucks let me tell you- I'm going to go over to a nearby college and hitting on girls there. I still look like I could be in college so it works out.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 20:35:57 GMT

So,

last time I tried the whole PUA thing certain things happened 1. I got really good at dancing 2. I got a girlfriend 3. I failed to truly develop the skills to consistently pick up women 4. I got a BUNCH of women friends and the reputation of a player, even if I wasn't getting laid 5. I ended up a royal mess after R left for college at the end of the summer.

It was a real growing experience. This is what is really important to me though. So, I'm going to try again. This time, perhaps work on trying to pick up girls on the net and on the streets as well as places like bookstores and whatnot. I leave for an intense medical grad program in the summer so what I learn now is what I'm going to be able to use to supply myself with sex and love. I won't have time to devote to anything else except school and learning how to be the best medical professional I can possibly be.

So hopefully, some of you guys working on the game will read this and friend me, because I don't think I can do this without having some people to talk about it with, some people who've been where I am.

I'm going to go to UMass on Monday early and going to start approaching women again. I'll start off doing dumb shit like asking them what time it is.

I'll write about how it goes.

And I'm going to have fun.

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 19:22:35 GMT

Went to the gym today, had trouble with the whole staying motivated thing. I want to be fit so i can be beautiful so that it is easier to get girls to like me, but sometimes it's hard to stay focused.   There are other ways of course though.
I'm a bit frustrated. Have to remember where i started out at. I have to remember that it takes time.   I'm still learning not to be attached to the outcomes of these things.

Going to go to UMass on Tuesday and practice approaching girls.

It should be anxiety producing, but also fun.    It's no big deal either way.

random meetings of people

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 06:32:52 GMT

One of the exciting things about just going out and taking weird little opportunities that life presents to you is that you get to meet interesting people.

Caitlin and Thady invited me to go to the college today and while I won't go into the details of how this led to me walking to an emergency shelter in Turners Falls with a homeless 19 year old kid from New York City named Juan, I will tell you it was awesome. He was such an example of why our current justice system does not work well and why . He was completely vulnerable and scared. Away from the city he grew up in and living in a homeless shelter and awaiting a court trial for assault and battery, it was clear to me that he REALLY needed help. Where that help is going to come from though, I don't know. He probably has a lot of problems with impulse control and his emotions are probably all fucked up from his time in jail and the unimaginable weight of judgment that society puts on a boy like that. He probably will have a hard time getting a job with a criminal record even if he beats this current charge. It's going to take a lot of time for him to mature and figure out how to function in society, but the reality is that he is probably going to fuck up at some point, land in jail, become totally unmarketable for employers and will be forced to become professionally homeless or turn to something like dealing drugs. Maybe both.

He's just a kid. He doesn't know shit, but SO often guys like that are ending up in jail. I read in the paper today that over 1% of the population is in prison these days. Guess what? It's not women or old men who are ending up in jail. It's poor disadvantaged young men who make dumb mistakes while they are teenagers. You would think that an enlightened society like ours would be able to find a place to put these young guys which doesn't effectively condemn them to horrible lives, but apparently the only place we have for these guys is jail.

I see myself in him actually, if I was a little more violent or a little less smart or lived in a city instead of where I am now, who knows what would have happened to me? Guys like us start out with nothing with little to no support surrounded by people who act in ways that are roughly equivalent to what 'normal' people call insanity. Growing up in these environments we do everything we can to survive and be happy. Unfortunately, everything we learn is adapted to unique, often short-term situations.

it's a damn shame that we don't collectively recognize the value and importance of young men like that in our society. Women are protected. Women, as a group, aren't prone to violent crime. Women can make the stupidest, most insane decisions about their lives (having kids at 15, marrying violent, violent men), but we have layer upon layer resources to help them. The number of resources available to single women with children is so staggering that it can be financially productive to not even hold a job. I know this because my mother was one of those women. She lived off the fat of the system. It was never worth it to her to go out and get real jobs because she would lose 'benefits.' In a way that's bad, but at least she didn't end up homeless and we didn't end up homeless.

When are we going to start figuring out how to save our young men though?

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:23:46 GMT

So, this is my firs entry in my first genuine journal.

This will be a place where I will ACTUALLY post my thoughts. Mostly I keep them hidden, but I should post them here.

Susanne is talking to me online, it's a boring conversation, I feel like I should escalate with her to some sort of sexual level, but we don't really talk about sex. She doesn't seem capable for some reason.

Or maybe it's me.

I just typed I miss kissing you

We'll see where it leads