I read an article the other day about how scientists believe now that the world is getting warmer faster than any model they made. As it turns out- we are getting fucked much faster than expected. Even without that though, we are still using up resources at such a breakneck speed that we can't really expect civilization to go the way it's been going for much longer. Water, oil, salt accumulating in soil. We only have SO much and everyone goes around acting like it's going to be there forever. Even the electricity I am using to power this computer is an extravagant use of resources.


I still don't know how to cope with this. I don't feel that the 'nice' solutons offered like using more wind and solar power are enough. They are at best a start, but my intuition tells me that we can't save the planet and preserve the fantasy that everyone can be ok in society. The only solutions I feel are reasonable involve the killing of massive numbers of people and imposing draconian laws on the survivors to ensure that the human race does not resort to barbarism. We need to be reasonable about this, and reasonable means coming up with a comprehensive realistic plan to ensure human survival without nuclear war. Meanwhile the only thing I want for myself personally is to secure, get laid and maybe fall in love if I find someone cool enough who wants to deal with my shit. I'm all for turning my life around and doing what's hard, if it's what's right, but right now, I don't know what that means.

Should I start advocating the stockpiling of nuclear weapons and aggressive policies that steal resources from other ethnic groups? Should I start advocating eugenics? I work with autistic children, I have developmental issues myself. If I admit that we can't support everyone, I have to be honest in my assessment that many of the people I love and myself and the people I care for are just too burdensome to support. These are not the sort of policies I grew up supporting nor really support now.

It's no wonder I spent nearly a year in homeless shelters and mental institutions. The burden of this weighs on me like nothing else in the world. I hope to hell that I'm wrong. I don't want the world to go through this pain- but change is inevitable and us humans have only gotten this far by consuming everything else on the planet. A few more generations of this nonsense is all I see happening before environmental collapse and human need collide and produce the worst sorts of catastrophes that will endanger the survival of us all.

I don't mind if I die and leave no children behind. But I do want humanity to live on.

On the plus side I'm spending the weekend with a beautiful physicist.

I decided to kill myself today.


Instead I just masturbated.


o well.

Nothing makes me madder than male feminist literature.  I read some today and I felt like beating up a girl just because.  that and dumb men talking about cars.  Or girls complaining about their boyfriends.  Or people in newspapers airing their opinions about things that they have no control over.

Actually anything, less than humble and honest deeply thought out intellectual opinion backed up by good science or personal experience kind of pisses me off.  I'm an elitist like that.   


Nothing makes me happier than to have D curled up at my side as I play her video games.  Her whole body is sore from the treatment I gave her last night. She wants to do just about anything to keep me happy.  needs the feeling that I'm getting something from her.

Nothing makes me happier than having Sunshine at my side and telling her that she has to wait for me.  I don't think she's ever waited for anything in her life, but she has to wait for me....

Nothing makes me happier than M standing patiently in line at my workplace. 

Nothing makes me happier than remembering removing Alethia's glasses and looking into that lovely face of hers. or remembering the way Katie's voice sounded over the phone.

Nothing makes me happier than dancing, and music, and the feeling power over a pretty girl, the thrill of an orgasm or the laughter of friends or a good video game.    All my pleasant illusory pleasures: god how I love them.

If it's not true at least make it visceral  

The other day I just downloaded SO much porn and put it on my computer.  I really love that stuff.   It's great. 

Today and tomorrow I'm supposed to be packing up to get out of my house.  It should be fun.....

So,

The problem with LJ as I see is that posting stuff about your personal life on a computer is just harmful to your social life if anyone you actually know finds it.   So this stuff here is DEFINITELY  not  to be found by anyone who has ANY sort of control over me.    That means I'm hiding this journal from my friends, from my girlfriends and my family. 

I think alot of people already know that here.  I think it's pretty obvious and nothing that anyone else really wants to know, but I need to say it anyway.


Anyway,  the life:  it's pretty good for the most part.  I spend too much time in my room I think which makes me feel depressed.  The more time I spend in my room doing nothing engaging with other people and listening to music, the more weird I feel about life....


At least I'm getting laid now.   Being with D is just incredible.  She's up for the kind of really rough violent stuff that I like.   i'll pick her up and throw her against the wall or make her choke on my cock and hit her breasts really hard and then tell her to bend over and just take her HARD.  I like to tell her she's a s***  and a bitch and describe all the shit i'm going to do to her.  It's a big compliment really that she lets me do the latter because she doesn't let anyone call her a s*** in real life.  She's been called that many times and she DOES not want to be called that.  Being anything other than vanilla can get you MURDERED socially.    In addition, she's sweet enough that when I need taking care of emotionally, she's willing to give it.    She and I are totally cool with each other as far as all the polyamory stuff is concerned too.    I really like that alot.   Wednesday night I was too sick to do anything so we just watched Stardust together, which is a really sweet fantasy film.

Tonight I go up and see C and hang with her friends.   They really like me alot and it should be fun and maybe I'll drag C out to  ravish her in the middle of the dance out on the traintracks or the a field or something.  I doubt she's ever done anything really fun like that before and I think this would be the perfect chance.  

When I go off to school in Long Island I'm really going to miss her.  I'm sort of afraid of that place really going to be uptight and not understanding of me, but then again, they might have enough diversity there that I could be ok. The freaks and geeks should be findable....

I feel like I'm fucking 18 just starting to figure out who I am.  Why has it taken me so long?    Probably because I'm really shy about things and people have discouraged rather than encouraged me to do the things I know I need to do.

Tags: stuffish

Group dynamics

A group is two or more people that interact, influence each other, and share a common identity. Groups have a number of emergent qualities that distinguish them from aggregates:

• Norms - implicit rules and expectations for group members to follow, e.g. saying thank you, shaking hands.
• Roles - implicit rules and expectations for specific members within the group, e.g. the oldest sibling, who may have additional responsibilities in the family.
• Relations - patterns of liking within the group, and also differences in prestige or status, e.g. leaders, popular people.

Temporary groups and aggregates share few or none of these features, and do not qualify as true social groups. People waiting in line to get on a bus, for example, do not constitute a group.

Groups are important not only because they offer social support, resources, and a feeling of belonging, but because they supplement an individual's self-concept. To a large extent, we define ourselves by our group memberships. This natural tendency for people to identify themselves with a particular group and contrast themselves with other groups is known as social identity (Tajfel & Turner, 1986). Unfortunately, social identity can lead to feelings of "us and them." It is frequently associated with preferential treatment toward the ingroup, and prejudice and discrimination against outgroups.

Groups often moderate and improve decision making, and are frequently relied upon for these benefits, such as committees and juries. A number of group biases, however, can interfere with effective decision making. For example, group polarization, formerly known as the risky shift, occurs when people polarize their views in a more extreme direction after group discussion. Even worse is the phenomenon of groupthink. This is a collective thinking defect that is characterized by a premature consensus. Groupthink is caused by a variety of factors, including isolation and a highly directive leader. Janis (1972) offered the 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion as a historical case of groupthink.

Groups also affect performance and productivity. Social facilitation, for example, is a tendency to work harder and faster in the presence of others. Social facilitation increases the likelihood of the dominant response, which tends to improve performance on simple tasks and reduce it on complex tasks. In contrast, social loafing is the tendency of individuals to slack when working in a group. Social loafing is common when the task is considered unimportant and individual contributions are not easy to see.

Social psychologists study a variety of group related, or collective phenomena such as the behavior of crowds. An important concept in this area is deindividuation, a reduced state of self-awareness that can be caused by feelings of anonymity. Deindividuation is associated with uninhibited and sometimes dangerous behavior. It is common.

I need to be me before I can pick up girls- partly because picking up girls involves acting. 
And if you aren't who you really are- the act can become your identity.  Ask Style.

So who am I?

I'm afraid.  That's who I am. 

I'm authentically afraid and in a bit of pain although I'm learning to cope with that emotional pain.


I'm also add as hell and distractable,  I'm drawn to thinking too much and talking about intellectual subjects too much.  I want male friends, I want to be a part of the pick-up community, but I'm afraid they'll reject me.      I'm afraid being myself is always going to imply being somewhat beta.    I'm afraid of my own sexuality.  I'm afraid of being found out.  I'm afraid of  hurting people.  I'm afraid the world will punish me for not caring about it.   I'm afraid that the girl I love will never love me again.   I'm afraid that if anyone finds out I want to be a pick-up artist, then I'm going to be called out and no one will want me anymore.  I'm afraid I'll be ridiculed.  I'm afraid that the reputation I once had of being smart and kind and good will be replaced with one of scorn.

I'm afraid of alot of things- to be quite truthful, some of these thing might happen.

But I'm more afraid of not engaging the world.  I'm more afraid of not being true to myself and the consequences of inaction.
So, I'm going to do all those things that I'm afraid of.  Even if it means getting hurt.

it's a better kind pain- the pain of self-actualization. 

What do I want?

it's a good question. Reality is going to conform to whatever my thoughts tell it to, so I better choose well.

1. I want to be happy for the rest of my life (within reason, a little pain isn't bad).
2. I want to be as physically safe as can reasonably be expected of someone living in this age (no motorcycles/cigarettes for me thank you)
3. I want to be damn good at finding a girlfriend and getting laid; I want to be able to carry on multiple relationships at once and I want to be able to have deep, honest wonderful relationships with girls.
4. I want to positively impact the world and everyone who touches my life
5. I want some material things, but not too many that I get too entangled with things that are not mine.
6. I want to not be a pornography/ internet chess addict
7.  I want to eventually have children. (jesus I can't believe I'm writing that)
8.  I want to be intrapersonally strong. something I haven't been in the past.

9. I want to inspire the person who will truly change the world. ( why do I have such hubris?)
10. I want to be loved.
11. I want to explore.

I had an interesting day.  I talked to some random people on the street, went to the library and emailed myself the first few sections of the material on Bristol Lair.  That stuff is awesome.   I worked 8 hours and then I walked to the end of the dance. 

There, i made an approach  (I didn't close or anything) and then went to the bar  with two of my female friends.  While I was there I went up and talked (and danced) with two young women and a guy I know from the grange.   I'm frustrated with myself, that I seem to attract women, but once they are attracted I don't make a move.   i don't like that.   I don't like what it says about me.   I need to  actively pursue, as in, once I see a women I approach, once I appraoch I talk to her, once I talk to her I make her attracted to me, once she is attracted to me I indicate my interest, once I indicate my interest get her number or do a venue change or just kiss her or whatever the hell I'm going to do.

It's important.

incidentally enough, my friends criticized me for making the approach in the bar she said, " how typical of you to go after some mousy, boring unattractive girl, you need to go after."

incidentally enough I tend to value women who are introverts, women who value their intelligence and indicate it with their fashion and women who are unorthodoxly beautiful.    She was jealous, and it's good to realize that I have 'friends' who will hold me back if they can.   there are girls I know who are solely attached to me because they think that somehow, someway they are going to become my girlfriend by manipulating my feelings. In the past, I've been emotionally weak and because I needed support, I let that energy into my life .  It doesn't need to happen now though.   I don't care what they think of me.

ok
i's official
i need to laugh more.